


Fall From Grace

by Ace_of_Demi_Space



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29851251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ace_of_Demi_Space/pseuds/Ace_of_Demi_Space
Summary: The Devil fell slowly. Pride cometh before a fall, but pride doesn’t manifest overnight. It is built slowly, over time, little by little. Even the Devil didn’t just flip a switch and randomly decide to rebel out of sheer boredom. No, the idea formed bit by bit until one day it was undeniable. And the Devil fell.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Fall From Grace

**Author's Note:**

> **Rating:** T  
>  **Warnings:** Not so nice comments about religion, a few strong swear words  
>  **Category:** Gen  
>  **Characters:** Kevin Price  
>  **Setting:** Post-musical

# Fall From Grace

The Devil fell slowly. Pride cometh before a fall, but pride doesn’t manifest overnight. It is built slowly, over time, little by little. Even the Devil didn’t just flip a switch and randomly decide to rebel out of sheer boredom. No, the idea formed bit by bit until one day it was undeniable. And the Devil fell.

Just like I did. It’s shocking how easy it was to let go of my faith. Or, maybe not let go, not really. It’s more like I…I stepped away, temporarily. Or maybe permanently. After all, I’m Kevin Price, the “most amazing elder the center has ever seen.” I know Heavenly Father’s words front and back. I’m a great Mormon. Or, I was. 

What would my friends and family think if they knew that the “great Kevin Price” hasn’t simply had a mental break? They all believe my fall was quick, a simple flip of a switch. It was just the culture shock, they said, or “that poor excuse for a companion” as my father still insists. The perfect Mormon boy Kevin Price would never fall so quick without something drastic happening. Sometimes I wonder how those back in the States would react if they knew of the doubts I had been harboring for years. Doubts I hid behind a church-approved smile and the words I was trained to say since I was a child. 

What would they think if they knew I had been questioning Scripture even as they prepared me to preach it? They’d be shocked, surely. After all, the perfect Elder Price a liar? That would shock even the hardest soul. And that what I am, isn’t it? A liar because I put on a perfect act, because I said all the right words, because I played the part without a hint of turmoil. Even as I was silently struggling and questioning everything I was being told. 

And how could I not question? Yes, some of the stories were—are—comforting, but the majority are downright horrifying or just flat-out ridiculous. I found peace in the words of Heavenly Father, but I found questions as well. Doubts in the history I had been taught that just didn’t make any sense. But beyond that, doubts in the character of Heavenly Father Himself. After all, what does it say when the loving God I put so much of my trust and faith in, lets these awful things happen?

How could the God I gave so much of myself to let awful things happen? And, yes, that strain of thought started selfishly: how could Heavenly Father let awful things happen to me? But now I know better, I know it’s not all about me. How could a truly loving God let awful things happen to good people, to innocent people? How could He let warlords run rampant and mothers die too soon? How could He allow His Holy Words to be used to slander and destroy people simply because of who they loved or the color of their skin? How could a loving God be at the center of so much hate?

Fuck it! 

And isn’t that a change? Words I was once uncomfortable even reading now slip from my lips as easily as prayers once did. Other things will follow, I knew, though old habits die hard. I still have the nightly Hell dreams to prove it, despite the fact that I have my doubts that there is even a god to send me to Hell, let alone a Hell in and of itself.

But what if there is? What if the God I served loyally for nineteen years is watching from up above after all? What if I close my eyes one day and wake up standing before God and His paradise planet only to be cast down to burn for all eternity? Or what if I don’t? What if I close my eyes and that’s it? I just cease to be? Or what if—

No. I can’t dwell on those thoughts. I may have fallen from grace, may not technically be a Mormon anymore, may not even know who _I_ am anymore, but I have a job to do. Yes, preaching the Book of Arnold may still be leading people to a God I don’t care to know anymore, but it also helps people in a way I have never seen before. It brings hope and joy, and it encourages people to help one another simply because they can. It opens the doors to building schools and medical centers, to making a real change for future generations. 

So maybe it is shocking how easily I stepped away from my faith. Or maybe how easily I abandoned it completely. And yes, maybe I have doomed myself to the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity, but at least I’m doing something that is genuinely helping people. At least I’m making a difference, a _real_ difference. 

And that? That’s something I can live with.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Author’s Note:** I am not, nor have I ever been, Mormon. I was, however, raised in a very strict Christian household, so I understand Elder Price’s crisis of faith a bit to well. That’s what fascinates me most about Book of Mormon as a musical, Price’s journey from faithful to faithless. Apologies for this story being written in first person. I’m not a fan of first-person fanfics, but sometimes the stream-of-consciousness requires it.


End file.
